It's my night to cook, which seems like as good a reason as any to inflict a recipe on you. You are invited to play along at home, but keep that pizza delivery number on hand.
Tonight, we'll be doing the old standby Fish Stick Stir Fry. Most of my cooking skills were learned from geeks, and this is no exception. There's a thing they used to call Stir Fried Random that basically is just that: you stir fry whatever the hell you have on hand and call it good.
Fish Stick Stir Fry uses that same technology, but requires a bit more prep work or a bit more leftovers than most. Fish sticks, frozen, and tater tots, frozen, should be cooked according to package directions. You can do this as part of a different meal and use the leftovers in stir fry, or you can just cook them before you start. Break the sticks into bite sized pieces and set them aside. You'll also need leftover white rice, preferably sticky. If you have leftover veggies or something, you can throw that in too, and I like coarsely chopped cilantro, but I would caution you against pineapple and against mixing meats--save the Spam for another night.
Tater tots and white rice make a very versatile base for a stir fry, you can do hot dog stir fry, Spam stir fry, chicken nugget stir fry, pizza roll stir fry, whatever. The biggest difference between edible and non is simply the sauce you choose.
For fish sticks, we're going to go with a thinned tartar sauce, which is basically just a tartar sauce in a jar with some water added. Don't use milk. It's bad. Believe me. Just use a little water. You ideally want something the consistency of homemade vegetable soup. Well, my homemade vegetable soup, anyway. It might be best if we don't talk about that.
Since stir-frying is fast, you need to make sure this is all set up ahead of time.
Anyway, heat your skillet or wok, and add a little vegetable oil. I don't advise olive oil, apparently it gets too hot or something, but possibly more relevant it gives it a sort of weird taste. (Yes, I did actually just say that.) A nonstick pan is best, not Teflon, or you can just use a little more oil, you don't want nuggets or tots or sticks to get stuck to the pan or you'll break them into tiny shreds.
If you've got garlic you want to throw in, now's the time, but I've never been that happy with garlic in fish sticks. Start with the tater tots, they're going to need three to four minutes. Rice is next, don't stir too much, it's nice still a little clumpy. Give them a minute. If you've got veggies, you can throw them in at this point, I'd suggest celery or even water chestnuts but tonight we're not doing any. Fish sticks next, they'll need a couple minutes to heat through. Then the cilantro goes in just for thirty seconds or so, enough to wilt.
Pull the whole thing off the heat and dump it into a bowl. Add your sauce, enough to coat, and mix it up gently. Garnish with very thin lemon slices. Then drop the bowl on the table, making sure it thunks loudly--remember, presentation is a big part of your job. Drop a pile of forks onto the table with a clatter, put your hands on your hips, and yell "Soup's on!" When people arrive, they will ask what this is. It is essential at this point not to become offended.
Give them a straight, emotionless recitation of the ingredients-as-name, and if you can pronounce those capital letters, go for it. If anyone tries to back out of the room, you are more than welcome to give them a challenging glare.
Is this your first attempt at Sadistic Cookery? You'll probably be eating Fish Stick And Tater Tot Stir Fry With White Rice And Tartar Sauce, then. But think of tonight as Rules Night. This is your opportunity to make your housemates aware of the rules:
1) If it's edible separately, it's edible together.
2) I am always eager to learn from my mistakes and try this again next week.
3) There's dessert, and I didn't make it/I cooked it according to the directions on the box. Dessert is eaten after dinner, thank you.
4) I was thinking about adding [cocktail weenies/butterscotch pudding/canned sardines/mustard/fried eggs/leftover pizza/pine nuts] but didn't, because I thought you might not like it.
5) First person to refuse to eat this pays for the pizza.
Extra tip: After everybody's had their first few bites is an ideal time to ask who's cooking tomorrow.
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5 comments:
Hilarious.
I started to wheeze at "butterscotch pudding."
Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer to absorb my coffee through my stomach, rather than through the linings of my nostrils.
Now I see why "latest recipe ideas" was on the Index Expurgatorius a few threads down, of topics outlawed from bedtime conversation.
Hmm. I'm just grateful that my husband hasn't tried this. He's already banned from the kitchen for 1) burning tomato soup while simultaneously boiling it over onto the stove, and 2) making an omelet with copious amounts of chopped garlic and ginger from jar, and after eating it attempting to kiss me without gargling an entire bottle of Listerine first.
*jars
The butterscotch pudding thing is my best gag on my nights to cook. It suggests to my unfortunate victims that this could have been--and could yet be--much worse, and that I actually think they *will* like what I'm giving them now. In the face of this, they tend to shut up and eat, if carefully.
It may surprise you to learn that we do not know the pizza delivery guys by name. Mostly, we eat this stuff, and mostly, it's not too bad--with a few very noteworthy exceptions. Corndog Lasagna was okay. Leftover Jennie-O Turkey Roast Casserole was a mistake. It may only have been the addition of BBQ Pringles and pickled beets, but I haven't had the stomach to try it again to find out.
My trifles, however, are legendary.
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